Posted by: alegra22 | June 18, 2018


20171013113128936_0020It has been a long time since I’ve done this.
So long I don’t know what site I’m writing from.
I might be dancing backwards in high heels or I might be kissing the quill.

Zaviera is home sick. She turns to me, her face the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen, it makes me feel a bit goofy looking at her, like I can’t quite believe she emerged from the ragtag assignment of genetics that is me, but then of course I see it; I see the beauty of my mother in the edge of her bones, I see her Nanny, Dan’s mum, in her long, strong limbs and beautiful eyes. I see the certain something my papa and I share there too, the Suarez in her smile and the type of wit that enjoys experimenting with the world for a good joke.

It has been a long time since I’ve done this.
Sat down and wrote honestly from my heart.

In a message to my papa yesterday, I wished him a happy Father’s Day on this weekend that I’ve named my ‘trifecta’, particularly now that I annually do sweat lodges at this time:

June 17 is my mother’s birthday and Father’s Day, a situation I quickly identified as a family punchline due to my mother’s past rage at patriarchal structures in general and men in particular – of course God would place Father’s Day alongside her day of birth.

June 18 is Dan’s birthday.  The birthday of the man that the ocean and my manaia called me home to, to create three human beings that stun me in their gifting, in watching the power of ancestry and life’s love for us emerge to confront me every day.

He is the first man I have ever trusted without understanding why or how, I just trusted the goodness of his nature and that we were meant to do this with one another – to create a family and care for one another in this world.

During this last sweat lodge, I was gifted a deep gratitude for the love in my life.

For the support I have received in my mother and father, the ways we have known one another not just as family, but with a rare and kindred recognition too.

I took in the immense gratitude for the journey Dan and I have been on with one another. On that fated night that we spent hours talking and dancing, me telling him I was happy to be friends but was sworn off relationships and just dealing with God, I saw a crease in his smile and knew I’d be watching it grow over the years.

He is now forty. I’m not sure if any of the creases have deepened but his cheekiness definitely has.

I daily celebrate the silverback greys and Koro of him as he grows younger and older to me. During the gratitude round of the sweat I wanted to honour him, the way we have worked so hard to find this balance of our individual work in the world and our work together not only as a family but as a couple, as team Twisol, which was the start of this whole crazy circus. But my head was pounding and I’m learning what needs to be said has its own time.

It has been a long time since I’ve done this.
Zaviera turns to me, a rice cracker in her mouth, commenting on a Gilmore Girl’s character, “She is so sarcastic.”
Earlier she noted, “Mom, we are like Lorelai and Rory, only we are surrounded by three boys..”
I told her that this is precisely why we need to do this more often, join our female forces in alone time.

She asks me which character she thinks I’m more like, Lorelai or Rory.
We discuss our ideas between us and decide we are both a bit of both and a few more characters thrown in.

It has been a long time since I’ve done this.
Written from my heart straight to the page and followed it home.

A beautiful phrase was given to me over the weekend and that was the ‘the spirit in exile’ .

In the long time since I’ve done this, I’ve been on a journey of calling home my exiled spirit.

And here I am.

I can hear my mother as she reads this, singing in her Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz:

there is no place like home

there is no place like home.

I click my ruby red slippers right back as I step back on to the yellow brick road once again, so grateful to all those I share this wild world with.

Thank you.




  1. Welcome home. Please stay awhile xx

    • With such great company, how can I not? Big loves & thank you

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