Posted by: alegra22 | March 30, 2013

sometimes

ImageSometimes I hold Sol close to me and he struggles. Just enough to let us both know that he needs a good fight but that he doesn’t want to break free. It is a balancing act. Sometimes that delicate give and take tips him over into rage, sometimes it ends up in a sigh and giggle, a release of the clashing emotions in his body.

Sometimes I get it right.
Sometimes I get it wrong.

Tonight, I got it wrong.

Sol fought against me just enough that I thought to myself, “The worst is just about to pass, I’ll just hold on. I’ll just make a little joke.”
But I misjudged.

I held him a little too long and he began to panic. He told me he hated me and I let go in a sort of maternal horror.

Half an hour later he came back to me and apologized.

But still, those words stayed with me.

I was holding my boy to help him feel safe and part of allowing him to feel safe involved me feeling as though everything I’d done was wrong.

I needed to be hated to be loved.

I have a list of unnecessary homework piling up in my mind.

My husband sleeps next to our youngest and I know I should rest but I can’t.

In the middle of the night, one of them will either start snoring or kick me in the face.

One of them will tangle their fingers in my hair.

One of them will wake me up in the middle of a dream that has something important to tell me.

But this isn’t why I can’t sleep.

I need to write.

Sometimes, like tonight, I listen to the wise counsel of dear friends.

I realize I can’t be all things to all people.

I listen when they tell me that to attempt to do so only diminishes what I am meant to be. It spreads the energy that I have too thin; the energy that those who stand loyally next to me depend on.

Sometimes I am bold.

I steal down to write a few sentences.
I have faith that this will be enough to let my spirit rest.
Sometimes I believe that the universe is unfolding exactly as it should…

…whether I choose to trust it or not.

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