Posted by: alegra22 | November 9, 2009

Wave of Calm


dreaming of our boy

We are so curious to meet this Mr. Joaquin. The other day, a friend pointed out to me that I have been remarkably calm during this pregnancy and it is true. Call it denial or being deluded by hormones, but this kid brewing inside of me has polluted my body with ‘mellow’. Even now, I should be frantically working on the novel and catching up on my NaNoWriMo word count, but I just don’t have the usual buzzing ‘go forth and conquer’ that often fuels me. I want to go dig a belly hole in the sand, listen to the waves, and dream of surfing with my kids. My greatest longing right now is to feel unencumbered by all of this weight and baby-carrying pain. I am looking forward to holding Joaquin. I am not overly worried about the sleepless nights. Call it surrender to the inevitable.

In two hours we head to the hospital to schedule the c-section. With the previous two pregnancies, I had emergency c-sections so the idea of actually scheduling the birth of my child is a little bizarre to me. I am trying to imagine waking up one morning and thinking, “Today is the day!” The problem is, if I think about it too long I begin to remember the other parts, the c-section woman’s version of labor anxiety.

I learned with Zaviera’s birth that I can be intellectually prepared for being wheeled into the operating room, a model of cool, calm and collected, but then my body cues into its surroundings. The sterility, the drapes everywhere, the shiny, flashing instruments with their sharp edges. My body has always known that the brain is easily deceived and starts protesting.

“Wait-a-minute-here-what-is-this-insanity?!  They are going to cut us open? We did not agree to this! Run Alegra, run!”

I think the doctors are prepared for this and put a little extra ‘mix’ into the epidural because with Zaviera’s birth, once I could no longer feel my body from the chest down, I got busy insulting the surgeon’s favorite sport. I even refused her warning that “maybe you should reconsider your stance on cricket since I am about to deliver your baby!”

I laughed and declared, “No way! Everyone deserves to hate something without good cause or apology. Cricket sucks.”

That epidural juice even allowed me to be brave for Dan when we both realized the surgical ‘curtain’ they were putting up was no bigger than a pillow case. All Dan had to do was glance the wrong way and he would see what they were up to. This is just one of the small differences between the Kiwi mentality and the USA way of doing things. When I had Sol in the USA, the surgical curtain they used would have required Dan standing up and making a serious effort to check out the goings-ons on the other side. Something he had no intention of doing.

I am still waiting for a good burst of nesting instinct to kick in. It seems to be coming to me in constant dribbles with none of the grand drama of past experiences. I have not landscaped or organized the entire house in systems that make sense only to me. Last night Dan caught me cleaning something with a toothbrush and pottering around the small mounds of things I intend to sort through.

“Are you getting nestish?”

“No,” I said, “this is boring, procrastination behavior. I want one of those burst of twenty-four hour this-woman-can-not-be-stopped experiences. I want you to wake up at 3 a.m. to find the ceilings repainted and there I am typing away madly on my laptop. I want to write 5 chapters in one night and sterilize every corner of this house!”

I don’t think it is going to happen. I think Joaquin might be making his entrance into this world on a wave of calm. He might just be the cruisy little surfer dude.

I guess I better get back to NaNoWriMo…

…but the sun is out and the ocean is so blue.



  1. LOVE IT! Your writing is amazing. I cant wait to meet wee Joaquin too.

  2. Cricket does suck!

    • A voice of sanity!

  3. Yeah for a calm cool little bundle to add to your mix. I’m glad to hear your not out removing bushes from the backyard or building a deck this time.. takes it easy girl 😉

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