Posted by: alegra22 | July 14, 2009

The ants go marching…

antsIn the last two weeks I have become the leader of a massacre. It is possible that when the afterlife comes, a giant ant is going to greet me and say in a Spanish accent, “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my brothers/sisters/uncles/aunties/grandparents/co-workers now prepare to die!”

(big kudos to anyone who got the Princess Bride reference)

If this moment comes, I have been rehearsing my reply. I have been rehearsing it while crushing small bodies with my thumb. While watching small bodies suffocating in bleach. While wiping out what appears to be several generations of swarm into my kitchen day after day.

I will say, “Being ants you should get the whole ‘queen’ concept. I am the queen of this house and I gave you fair warning. That first blast of Raid was not a misguided welcome, it was a ‘you have one chance to back your nasty little selves out of my kitchen before I declare war.’ Did I mention I am a pregnant queen with a thesis due in five months and that I have been waking up at 5 a.m. every morning to find one my most important pleasures, my cup of coffee, destroyed by you deciding that invading my cupboards is not enough, you have to fall into my kettle as well?”

At this point, I am convinced that Mr. Vendetta ant-with-attitude will back away and declare me absolved of my sins. By that time it won’t matter because I will be in the afterlife with a half-written novel and an unfinished thesis haunting me into eternity.

Before you accuse me of over-reacting (and perhaps needing to keep a tidier kitchen to avoid attracting ants in the first place) let me point out this is no ordinary ant invasion. Oh no. We have been rebuilding the deck and in the process managed to disturb several massive ant colonies which promptly found entry into our home. We are talking millions. Every morning I wake up and have to vacuum dead ants off the kitchen floor. We have had to empty three cupboards to devote them to ant poison and the necessary swarming process that will continue until they have carried enough of the poison back into their nests.

That sounds horrible, it does, but all I have to do to harden my heart is look over my shoulder into the kitchen and my wrath will return. My war lust catch flame.

I blame my lack of blogging on the ants. Right now, the ants are my general ‘get-out- of – jail – free’ card for all of my transgressions. A few examples:

The printer acts up and doesn’t allow me to print out the journal articles I need. A clear case of ant sabotage!

My children destroy the house in five seconds flat and refuse to sit still. They have ants in their pants!

I think my reasoning is pretty difficult to argue with.

In my mind there is a constant loop of Milli Vanilli’s “Blame it on the rain” only now they are singing “Blame it on the ants.”

I will not stop my campaign of slander until every single ant is dead.

“Today,” I declare, “is a good day for ants to die!

So, I do apologize for my absence. I have been a wee bit occupied. I think I might need a vacation.

How have you been?



  1. You are too funny! I was actually laughing out loud. You should have a weekly column like Carrie in Sex and the City only you have a family and probably not as many shoes. ( Although you might have a hidden shoe fetish I don’t know about) I love you.

    • Dan has the shoe fetish, which is unfortunate because he has something like size 13 feet. We would need a second home if he were allowed to buy all the shoes he wants.

      I love you too Miss Beluga-boo

  2. Bless your heart, and I was freaking about a few crickets (sneaking in thru the damned medicine cabinet)…

    I wish you the best of luck on the battlefield.

    • You know, I don’t think they have crickets in New Zealand…but they have these bugs that are like crickets crossed with a potato bug put on steroids called a Weta. Crazy looking things as big as your hand! Just thought I would put that image in your mind, I am kind like that :o)

      • ACK! The stuff nightmares are made of

  3. So long as you don’t go too long, 😐
    I’ve gotten kind of addicted to your blog. I start getting apprehensive and all…but yeah, I guess we can let it slide, I mean, I suppose a thesis could be sorta important.

    This story reminds me of the cartoon: “hey ant, you’re an ant, and I’m an anteater…” The mice in the house are probably getting a little leary of you as well by now.

    Hoping all is going well with your term! Sounds like you’re getting thru, in a General Patton type of way. 😀

    • I am glad to know I was missed!
      Well, it looks like I am going to be extending my full-time masters to a part-time which will give me a much needed extra year…a HUGE relief. I have been known to pull of some crazy stunts but this year has been a little over the top for me and I am glad to have the option. All of this means regular blogging back on schedule!

  4. Ants eh? I’ve waged quite similar wars my friend, tho perhaps none quite so epic and trilogy-worthy as yours. Beware if you notice two little ants running separate from the masses, say, towards your laptop – one who keeps whining the whole time saying “I can’t do it Sam” carrying what looks like a little magnetic ring. If you notice this (this is important) do NOT send all your orcs and goblins towards the masses on the other side. They won’t make it past your massive gate that takes like 15 trolls to open. It’s never smart to evacuate your camp completely. It’s just begging for a sneak attack.

    Also, spend a bit of time teaching your goblins and orcs proper work behavior and good communication skills. This will help ensure a more fluid and efficient army that doesn’t break out into fights, and will know the proper procedures for when you have intruders.

    And lastly, if you KNOW there’s a secret entrance to your lair, *keep it guarded.* The universal law of a secret entrance is that the intruder will ALWAYS figure it out somehow.

    Anyways, I wish you luck with your epic battle and wish you victory.

    • I would not be surprised if the ants are already in my computer…it has been acting strange the past few days. I swear, both Dan and I are so traumatized by this whole thing, we are going to be tasting and smelling ants in our weaker moments for years to come. Dan went Maori-boy crazy on them last night and tried to redirect their trail/path of death to outside…we are waiting to see if it worked.

  5. Glad to hear from you!

    We too are in the middle of a bug war ourselves, which, sadly, the bugs may just be winning. J has absolutely no tolerance for dealing with bugs and I’m the scoop ’em up and toss ’em outside kinda guy, but we both have turned into angry shoe wielding monsters. This cannot be healthy on any level.

    • I have missed you too! Like you, I have always been a ‘spare them’ type. Dan is the ‘grab a can of Raid’ type. But when it comes to masses of ANYTHING (insects, fungus) my sensitivity takes backseat and repulsion takes over. No, this kind of day in and day out hostility is not good for anyone, so kill them fast and without mercy…

  6. I have always found it interesting that the ants are so durable. And in being durable, they multiply by the billions. It gets even more interesting when I think of the ants in this way and remember that if it were not for the fact that they are wired into selfless service to the queen, they could probably rule the world. I fact, they are ruling their little part of the world right now, in New Zealand, but only in service to the queen. Hail to the Queen.

    I hate to think of you battling those ants and being pregnant. It always brings out the worst in a person, don’t you think? :o) But there you are… a warrior queen. Hail to the Queen!!

    • It has been hard because I feel so invaded and yet, at the same time, so guilty. But you know that one, don’t you? The sense of invasion far outweighs the guilt in this scenario, just because there are so many of them and they are in my water, my air, my hair, my food and AGH!

      Last night Dan put the trap outside, wiped down the counters, and so far, it has been a success. The end is in sight…someone suggested that once they are gone, I plant mint outside the house in areas they might invade. I am going to try that.

  7. I never feared ants until I discovered a nest the size of a football in my attic. For weeks we were trying to find the source of the ants that kept invading my daughter’s room and her crib. Dreadful beasties bit my baby’s arms and legs! I was in the attic, lifted a box and there was a ball of the little buggars! They swarm towards me like something out of a horror movie. I nearly fell down the steps trying to get away.
    Needless to say, we didn’t bother with Raid. We called the pest guy and had him gas the suckers.

    Great article, Alegra!


  8. I’ve never heard the one about mint, but it is worth a try. My remedy has always been, when I am not being Kali-Ma, using cinnamon. Certain types of ants will not cross a cinnamon barrier. Once I had a terrible invasion in my studio and I used a whole industrial sized can of cinnamon to keep them at bay until I could find where they were coming in. Then I slyly ended their invasion by putting traps out for them. ;o) Hope things are calming down. Cinnamon smells great in small quantities, but I have to say, LOTS of it can be rather unsettling.

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