Posted by: alegra22 | July 31, 2012

the ember of Isobel

The night sky is not a blanket, the stars are not lights guiding me home. I am upside down. Inside out. Falling through the storyline of my life, arms flailing.

July is a time that has been full of heat and long hours of light; a time of the year when my body longs for the scent of black roads and fresh-cut grass, coconut oil sunscreen, saltwater on the skin, the juice of sweet fruit at the edges of my lips.

Instead, I dream of hospitals and I wake up to the cold.

I linger in bed longer than I should, encouraged by Joaquin and Zaviera; my night owls and sleep-in creatures. Their hands tangle in my hair, they reach for my arms, press their skin against mine, and they whisper, “Mommy, close eyes.”

“Mommy, sleep.”

And I do.

We remain a small fire, the three of us, for as long as we can, and then once we are broken up into three separate bodies, three embers, we continue on in our days, staying warm.

This week, the last week of July, nothing keeps me warm.

It isn’t until late at night, the rain rushing down over the house, a river, not a rhythm, that I realize:

This is the week I would be giving birth to our fourth child, the one we named Isobel. The one we lost at 13 weeks.

I crawled like an animal into the ER. Like an animal, they tried to train me, tried to get me to stop howling, to get up off of all fours, but I couldn’t.

They gave me so much morphine I vomitted and still the contractions broke my body.
They thought it would help me to show me the image of your small body perched at the edge of my cervix, ready for expulsion.
I told them I didn’t want to see.
I had already fallen in love with your small hands and feet and the curve of your skull.

Your father held my hands as we waited for you to leave my body.

You refused.

You had to be taken from me. You wouldn’t even give up a drop of blood.

You and I, we didn’t bleed the way miscarriages are supposed to.

But at this time of year, every year, joy will leave my body. I will feel a tear in the veil between this life and the next.
On the eve of having lived another year, I will think of you – the child I have yet to meet.

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Responses

  1. This made me cry…I am so sorry you had to go through this..it is beyond devastating. But what a beautiful consolation that you will meet this child on the ‘other side’. Thank you for sharing this.

  2. I lived in fear of this each moment of my pregnancy and thanked God every day that it didn’t occur. I can only imagine the devastation you must have gone through. A pregnancy is such a life altering event… You captured the emotion here perfectly and as hard as it was to read, you have changed my world with these words.

    xoxox,
    Stephanie

    • Stephanie,
      It absolutely is…I had a scare with my first pregnancy. Zaviera was conceived after this miscarriage and every day was an act in not thinking too much about what could go wrong. Our hearts are on the line from the very beginning.
      xoxoxo


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